B E B E R E

Insomnia again.

Fell into a troubled sleep at around 11. Woke up at around one this morning. It's currently three am. I'm going to be a bear at work, I can tell. It kind of serves them right, however, as they're the ones largely responsible for my state.

Now, I'm not one of those girls who resents the fact that she doesn't work in the field she chose to study; far from it. I never went into that thinking that I would. In fact, I consider myself darn lucky that I had the chance to work totally immersed in both literature and music for the lion's share of my career. Few people get that chance.

What I do for a living now - low level bureaucracy - doesn't have to be terrible. It leaves me in less a state of penury than other above-the-board options. Sometimes, especially at the beginning, I could almost fool myself into thinking that what I did made a difference. After a while, however, it started taking its toll on one's soul. Doesn't help much when you're a sorely mismanaged resource in a place that doesn't have to depend on good management for survival. Now, I find myself being awakened by pressing thoughts of paper-pushing and powerpoint presentations. Not where I want to be. It feels like failure.