Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I'm not usually into those "you know you're from ..." lists, but thought this one kind of cute. Enjoy!

Things to Know When You Move to Boston

Memorize these, Students:

1. In reality, very few people from South Boston are math geniuses.
However, to be safe, assume that everyone from Southie is smarter than you.

2. If you want to wear skin-tight black t-shirts out at night, you are required by Massachusetts State Law to contain at least three vowels in your last name.

3. Crosswalks and traffic lights are merely suggestions.

4. Harmlessly bumping into another guy in a crowded bar is tantamount in other regions of the country to sucker-punching someone's grandmother.

5. Steak tips are a local delicacy.

6. The speed of walking in Boston is equivalent to the speed of jogging in other areas of the country. Keep up the pace or you will be chop blocked.

7. From the months of April until October, 85% of Boston's population subsists almost entirely on iced coffees from Dunkin' Donuts.

8. If you are a girl between 18 and 21, Bronson Arroyo will be contacting you shortly.

9. You are not going to win an argument with any of the scalpers outside of Fenway. Just pay what they ask and be on your way.

10. There is no rational explanation for why there is always a line outside of Ned Devine's.

11. Catholic Memorial will win the Super 8.

12. The mayor can say whatever he wants but do not dare park in a space that someone has shoveled out and marked with a cone, chair, pool table or llama. You can write all the whiny letters to the Globe that you want but you are still going to end up with a busted windshield.

13. The guy pushing his son in the wheelchair in the Marathon is Dick Hoyt. He's 65 and could still kick your ass. Make a comment and someone next to you will save him the time.

14. Don't be gullible enough to think that everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day.

15. There are no exclusive bars or clubs in Boston. You may think you're hot shit because you're sitting in Saint but the chick next to you is a single mom from Revere and the guy on the other side of you is a house painter from Dorchester. Get over yourself.

16. If you hear one of these arguments happening in a bar, don't go near it. Walk the other way:

Red Sox-Yankees

Charlestown-Southie

Boston-New York

Boston-the world

Friendly-Brighams

Barstool Sports-Sports Illustrated

17. No one cares about where you are from.

18. Yes, the Green Line's B line is one of Dante's Levels of Hell. However, stop complaining because you should have rode on it a few years ago when it stopped approximately every 8 feet.

19. You are allowed to go to a Red Sox game without buying brand new Red Sox gear. You will be shocked to know that the majority of people going to Sox games are not outfitted in BoSox gear from head to toe. I only mention this because if you are sitting in front of me in a replica Curt Schilling jersey, Red Sox hat and you're quoting John Updike and then turn to someone and ask whose number 1 was retired, I am going to get you banned for yelling racial slurs at David Ortiz.

20. If you linger at all when crossing the street, you have forfeited your right of way.

21. Actually, even if you don't linger, you really don't the right of way when crossing the street.

22. If you don't want to hear World Champion Red Sox or Patriots fans complain, don't go to a sports bar. Because we will complain even though Boston is the undisputed sports capital of this country.

23. Every soft drink is a Coke.

24. Evacuation Day and Patriots Day are holidays that only Boston is cool enough to have. Remember to say a little prayer that you are fortunate enough to live somewhere that celebrates holidays by drinking Guinness and drinking Guinness while watching a Kenyan run.

25. If you aren't going 50+ mph on Storrow Drive, get over into the right lane and let some guys with testes get to where they are going.

26. Unless you are Lance Armstrong, don't try and outpeddle my car. I'm not necessarily going to run you down, put please recognize the fact that my SUV could crush you and your Schwinn.

27. Being a Ms. Barstool is roughly the academic equivalent of being a Rhodes Scholar.

28. The top four athletes in Boston history, in no particular order, are Bill Russell, Ted Williams, Bobby Orr and Larry Bird. Tom Brady is sitting just outside the top 4.

29. There are a few phrases that are guaranteed to get you punched in the face at any Boston bar:

"26 World Championships"

"Dude, I don't care if you are from Southie, what are you gonna do- fraction me to death?"

"Charlestown- isn't that where all the Yuppies live?"

"Peyton Manning is a better quarterback than Tom Brady."

"Fidelity Investments is loaded with douchebags."

"Hey, say park my car in Harvard Yard."

30. Just to let you know that sometimes even people from Boston get a little nervous, I had a Whitey Bulger line in there originally but took it out. Never know who you are going to run into on Broadway.

31. No one calls it Cape Cod. It's the Cape. Does it really need more clarification? If you are going to the Cape, where do you thinking you are headed? Cape Canaveral? The Cape of Good Hope?

32. Everyone in Boston between the ages of 25-40 has a New Kids on the Block story.

33. Take lefts on red onto one-way streets. I don't know for a fact that it is legal but it makes perfect sense to me.

34. Recognize the fact that just because you may outnumber a guy when the fight starts, chances are you won't when you get outside. You would be amazed at how quickly someone will get involved in a fight against you just because he and the guy you're fighting both played sports in the GBL.

35. Spring starts in Boston when the girls hit the BU Beach.

36. The best days of the year are when the Sox have a playoff game and the Pats are playing the same day.

37. There is honor and dignity inherent in trying to get a parking space. Obey the rules. Even if they are unwritten.

38. Best way to assimilate- buy me a drink

3 comments:

Nick said...

Too frickin funny!

And yes... 33 actually is legal. Turning on red (when there isn't a posted sign prohibiting it, or a red arrow or something) is always legal if you aren't crossing a lane of traffic.

That means that right turning on red into anything other than the inside lane is technically illegal.

<rant>Which is why I'm always annoyed as hell when someone WAITS for the farthest lane to open up and then turns into it when the inside lane was open the whole time. Turn into the inside lane then change lanes you moron! </rant>

Be said...

This is why I walk here.
I'd end up getting killed with all the creative interpretations of whatever passes for traffic law here.

Kat said...

Yes, there's a reason drivers in MA are called Massholes.

No, it was not invented by New Hampshirites, though we like to think so =)

It scares me how many of those make sense to me. No, really. It should terrify everyone else too.