Monday, October 10, 2005

Another crop of babies coming up. It's funny how these things come in cycles: first the marriages, then the first little ones (draft picks to be named I often call them), then the seconds. Of course it's the natural progression of things.

I've never felt part of this cycle - never wanted to wear the white dress, never wanted to be contractually obligated "to have and to hold." Never saw myself going through a pregnancy or giving birth. In fact, mere thoughts of having my sleep interrupted by a damn baby get me feeling heart-racingly resentful. That's not to say that I hate children. In fact, I do love them and really enjoy spending time with them - especially with my girlfriends' little ones. I just can't see me breeding is all.

My landlord's wife is pregnant. The due date is sometime in November, I believe. She's always been gorgeous, but now has an almost Botticelli-like radiance about her. I get the impression, too, that things are going along pretty smoothly. (Goodness, I hope so.) Recently, while doing laundry, I came across her stuff in the dryer. Rather than just pile it somewhere, I did what the scullery maid in me said and folded it up. While doing so, I noted how pretty and affordable a lot of the maternity wear has become. Really nice, really fashionable. I thought about how nice some of the things would look on me, even (she and I have similar coloring - pale, freckly, reddish hair). All of a sudden, I felt the tears start. Next thing I knew, I lost control and found myself crying like I hadn't in years. God, I hope it's not that infamous "biological timeclock" in action.

5 comments:

nappy40 said...

Oh no be, not you too!

Be said...

Goodness, I hope not. This outburst sort of took me by surprise. I take it you have experienced the same? How do you deal, if I can ask.

nappy40 said...

It comes up at odd times. Almost debilitating. I just have to let it pass.

Be said...

Do you want to have little ones?
I'm really conflicted about it. I'd love to have someone to take care of, but I really don't want to go through the physical pain involved. Partly, too, I worked in adoption, and I know that there are thousands of perfectly good kids out there who nobody wants.

nappy40 said...

It would be a nice surprise if I became pregnant in the next few months. Mind you, I'm not trying to conceive, but a positive test wouldn't depress me. I am conflicted about it too because I am about to turn 40. I really think I'm too old and won't have the energy to raise a child at that age.

But that feeling gets to me when I'm out shopping. One day I saw a little kid, had to be all of 3yrs old, holding a tiny umbrella in the rain. I couldn't take my eyes off the tiny umbrella and the little raincoat...