Tuesday, November 15, 2005

War injuries.

I'm never without pain; some days I just manage it better than others. When the weather changes or I get stressed out, though, sometimes it can be darn well near unbearable. These are the times when I find myself in a terrible mood and liable to hurt others' feelings. I don't want them to feel pain like I do, yet like some sort of savage I'll still inflict it.

It's cold and damp out, so my hands and wrists are swollen like an arthritic's. My neck is starting to shift into an unhealthy position, so the shoulders and back are hurting. My left knee, pelvis and ankles are also throbbing. I'm sure that tonight my jaw will lock from the clenching I'll do in my sleep - a subconscious reaction to the pain.

As awful as this all sounds, it's actually better than not feeling. For years I pushed the feeling away and neglected the body. My therapist called it dissociation. I called it transcendence. Now I hurt sometimes hard enough to scream, to cry, to want to be dead. Sometimes I will scream, but into a pillow. I don't want to upset my landlord. I do cry a lot (have a lot of lost tears to make up for). I don't want to be dead, though. I was dead-alive for decades, but somehow managed to resurrect me. I don't want to go back to the dead place again.


Meade said...

May you find liberation from your pain, Be. I wish I could do more than send positive thoughts and energy from commenter to blogger but it's all I know. I truly wish you well.

Be said...

All good thoughts are very gratefully accepted. I have a good group of people who help me out a lot, both physically and mentally. Though undisciplined in some areas, I'm pretty stern in others. (You'd not believe the exercises necessary to get out the door in the morning.) All I worry about is when I get older. I don't want to be a burden on anyone or in worse pain than I deal with now.