B E B E R E

War injuries.

I'm never without pain; some days I just manage it better than others. When the weather changes or I get stressed out, though, sometimes it can be darn well near unbearable. These are the times when I find myself in a terrible mood and liable to hurt others' feelings. I don't want them to feel pain like I do, yet like some sort of savage I'll still inflict it.

It's cold and damp out, so my hands and wrists are swollen like an arthritic's. My neck is starting to shift into an unhealthy position, so the shoulders and back are hurting. My left knee, pelvis and ankles are also throbbing. I'm sure that tonight my jaw will lock from the clenching I'll do in my sleep - a subconscious reaction to the pain.

As awful as this all sounds, it's actually better than not feeling. For years I pushed the feeling away and neglected the body. My therapist called it dissociation. I called it transcendence. Now I hurt sometimes hard enough to scream, to cry, to want to be dead. Sometimes I will scream, but into a pillow. I don't want to upset my landlord. I do cry a lot (have a lot of lost tears to make up for). I don't want to be dead, though. I was dead-alive for decades, but somehow managed to resurrect me. I don't want to go back to the dead place again.