B E B E R E

Thoughts before heading out to therapy.

My last therapist really knew how to lay down the law: when I got all Good Will Hunting on her, she did the shrink equivalent of go after me with a rolled newspaper. I really needed that. Also, she was very, very smart - way smarter than me - and commanded respect. She helped me start the process of disentangling the past from the present. I'll never be fluid in this, but I am learning.

I'd go back to her if she were still nearby, but she isn't.

I like and respect my current therapist but I don't think she's capable of helping me where I need it. Whenever I'm down or anxious, she suggests going to the psychopharm for another assessment. I'm very smart (way too smart for my own good), but undisciplined and lacking in ambition. I realize this; thus far my life's just been a series of flights, of narrow escapes. No long-range planning.

She's not so organized, and doesn't seem to have it in her to dole out kicks in the pants or help with structure. I often wonder if I'm not better networked in her world than she is. What it gets down to is, though I feel safe with her, I'm starting to feel like I'm stagnating.

I don't feel like looking for another person, though. It's about as appealing to me now as dating or going on a job search. I could just stop going and worry about all this later, I guess. Don't know what to do.