Headache.

Low pressure got to me today, so kept things simple.  The quinine in the tonic, along with the headache pill, did a world of good.

I sort of have to keep the heart on auto-check, as there's no outside verification of my being okay right now. Stuff hurts badly, but probably not worse than than anywhere else.

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, eyes –
I wonder if It weighs like Mine –
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long –
Or did it just begin –
I could not tell the Date of Mine –
It feels so old a pain –

I wonder if it hurts to live –
And if They have to try –
And whether – could They choose between –
It would not be – to die –

I note that Some – gone patient long –
At length, renew their smile –
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil –

I wonder if when Years have piled –
Some Thousands – on the Harm –
That hurt them early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm –

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve –
Enlightened to a larger Pain –
In Contrast with the Love –

The Grieved – are many – I am told –
There is the various Cause –
Death – is but one – and comes but once –
And only nails the eyes –

There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –
A sort they call "Despair" –
There's Banishment from native Eyes –
In sight of Native Air –

And though I may not guess the kind –
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary –

To note the fashions – of the Cross –
And how they're mostly worn –
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like my own –

Chemistry.

Am sort of operating in "safe mode" as the hormones start cresting. Though all my life I've been on a 21-24 day cycle (save for the year or so when I was training for the Tour de France. Then, it was a roughly six-week cycle), am still neither used to or happy with it. Wish it didn't have to be as physically painful as it's always been. Wish I didn't have the 2-3 days of utter hopelessness that show up before the bleeding.

The Change can't come soon enough.

Thought I was on the road to recovery back-wise; guess I was wrong. Woke up with much difficulty this morning and limped along as best as I could for a while. Round mid afternoon, a spasm so strong that I nearly lost my lunch completely broadsided me. Lie on the floor for a bit until things calmed down and could see something other than blinky-lights. Got a couple stretches in, then dragged myself to the medicine cabinet.

Since there's a lot of keyboard work to be done, am managing by keeping the back stock straight (Thank heavens for old-fashioned hard-backed chairs! Thank heavens for ground score!) and propping myself up on a number of overstuffed cushions. Will be sleeping on the floor tonight, I think.

***

Though I've been therapized out the wazoo, still am a bit slow when it comes to recognizing the triggers. Two such spasms so close after the gut problems that almost caused me to hit the emergency room can really only mean one thing: my brain's eating me alive. Granted, I have a whole hell of a lot to be stressed out over. Still, I'm more good to me alive than dead or seriously debilitated. Really need to stop this.

Have been feeling like garbage all day. I think and hope that it's just the old gut (I have IBS - sorry for the TMI) just stamping its feet and letting itself be known. If it's anything worse, I'm screwed, as I'm not insured.

Should have known better than to not only ignore the flashing amoebas obscuring my vision the other day, but to go out and indulge in three of the big four that all but guarantee a knockout: salted nuts, chocolate, red wine. I deserved the hammer slamming down, the blindness and the eventual loss of a perfectly good meal. (idiot.)

Had a rough night sleeping last night, followed by a couple panic attacks in the morning. As the chest is killing me and I'm feeling pretty tired and unhappy, I'm thinking that this has to be hormonal. Got all of it written down on the calendar and am going to chart it from here on in, as it seems to be happening fairly regularly.

Remember that scene between Orson Welles and Marlene Dietrich in "A Touch of Evil," where they see one another for the first time in years?


"You're a mess, honey. (7:55)"

Last night while making dinner, managed to cut my finger pretty badly on a tin, then drop said tin on my big toe. Am really lucky I didn't break anything.

Tossing and turning in bed, as I was was pretty uncomfortable, wrenched my neck.

Kind of feel like Orson Welles's character (or Ampersand) looks right now. (Cuss.)

If, in the next few days, the back doesn't get better, am going to have to look into getting a massage or something. (Really hurts, ouch.)

Finally occurred to me why I had this horrible pain radiating from one of the lower vertebrae into my kidneys. Yesterday, while taking stuff out to Pablo's cah, had my ankle give way on me. Fell and jabbed myself pretty badly on the corner of a concrete border. Made a mental note that that was going to hurt like the dickens later on, but lost said note.

Banged my toes up a fair bit. I think I might need new boots.

Sparks and loud pops on the train are fine if they stay outside the passenger area. Kind of neat, actually. Add a bit of piquancy to the commute.

Much less dangerous, too, than silly women who wear stilettos without knowing how to walk in them. The girl next to me (She was wearing nice flips that showed off a new pedicure. Made me glad I've not broken out my sandals yet. My feet need lots of work before they can be exposed.) was stepped on by a woman who lost her balance getting up for the next stop while the train was still moving. What a scream. What a scene. Poor thing.

I honestly can't say that it never occurred to me that I'd end up in shock from my visit to the Heimatstadt. Naively, I hoped that things would turn out differently. Of course, things were as they'd always been and now I'm left feeling flayed or burned or whatever.

***

The surface world, the world above the puddle or pond I'm skimming in right now (reality?) is kind of fuzzy, a bit distorted. Where I'm resting now has all the allure of a water world, an echoing, cushioning medium sort of separating me from the outside. Here I don't really feel much of anything. My nose is numb and I feel a slight pressure on the forehead and chest.

If I dive a bit deeper into this (and I really don't want to), all I want to do is cry. (What would that solve?)

I know that there are so many out there who have it so much worse than I do, believe me, I understand that. Still: I feel so. damn. awful.

It's amazing how lives can change, how people can be reborn or lost in a matter of seconds. My brain still hasn't caught up with the events of the past few days.

On Sunday, I got the word from my dad that me (ex) sister-in-law had killed herself and that my brother had disappeared. According to the police, a note she left stated that my brother and she had some sort of suicide pact. It didn't feel as though my little brother'd killed himself (believe me, you can feel these things) to anyone, so we held out hope.

Today, got the call from my mother that the police did indeed find my brother. However, a car chase ensued, my brother went over a guard rail, and apparently, (according to the police), he's currently in the hospital with head trauma. The severity and scope of his injuries are unknown to us, as the hospital won't divulge this information, even to next of kin.

At least my mother, perhaps my mother and father both will be heading out to Denver over the next couple days to see what's what.

I'm praying for a soul to finally be at peace, and for the best possible outcome in the other's situation. If you're up for that sort of thing, I'm sure that Kauri and Patrick could use your good thoughts as well.

Sorry to kvetch, but this knee is killing me. My health insurance should kick in on October 1st (barring any unforeseen circumstances. I don't have much faith in state bureaucracies). After that, it's down to business.

My six-week waiting time is up; am going to the doctor today. He'd better have some treatment option for me, as things are very near unbearable right now. (Try to imagine sitting on a fire ant nest or something like that.)

Today's the best I've felt all week. Was pleased to be able to get out of bed fairly quickly and not have to limp hunched-over like I'd been doing since hurting myself. Though the stomach's not feeling to well due to some of the pain medication I'd been taking, it's pretty minor compared to other things.

Am not accomplishing as much work-related stuff as I'd like. Have made some headway in a few other things, which was more than what I could do earlier.