Self-Help.

Guess I've been in a rut for some time now.  Spinning the wheels and not moving forward is getting frustrating.  Rather than calling someone to tow me out (there's quite a wait for that nowadays), decided to rummage around in the trunk to see what I have in the tool kit that might help.

Found my copy of the Feeling Good Handbook, which is probably one of the best texts on how to re frame one's thoughts in order to "find the courage to get things done."  This was recommended to me years ago by a counselor friend who understood me to be the tough cookie / anti self-help type that I am.  Am glad to have given her suggestion the benefit of the doubt, and am enjoying re reading / re working the exercises.

After years of sort-of following a low-carb diet and then not, finally picked up a copy of Gary Taubes's Why We Get Fat and What to Do About It.  It's a very good synopsis about the science around what causes obesity, how the current medical recommendations are incorrect, and what one should do to lose weight.  Had a hard time warming up to Mr. Taubes's style, but now we're doing fine.  Am currently following the guidelines in the appendix, as well.  I won't say that I'm doing Great (housemate tells me I'm suffering from "induction flu;" it's a mild case, though.).  Am finding it easier to fall asleep, stay asleep and wake up in the mornings, though, and that's Really Good.

Effortless Mastery by Kenny Werner.  That's from college.  Was a woodwind player back then.  Afterwards, started playing the piano Very Poorly.  That Very Poor Playing made me so happy, though.  Somewhere down the road, I lost the music.  All of it.  Need to get back in touch with that part of me that luxuriated in playing Poulenc at half speed, that cracked puns in French with a Buffalo accent, that loved messing messily with color.  It's still there; I can feel it.  Just got buried under sadness.

Baby Steps.  Weekends used to be spent on mountain trails.  Now, am lucky if I can get the daily three miles in, and maybe a 30 second plank.  Broke two fingers on my right hand late last Fall, so the Hanon exercises need to Go Slow.  Poulenc's out of my range right now, so am playing some shorter pieces from a little album of Romantic Music very slowly.  Then, there's the Putting Myself Out There business.  That's never been easy.  Right now, even contemplating it is scaring the heck out of me, though the reasonable side knows that fear is irrational.  Baby Steps.

Well, it has been a while, now, hasn't it? It's been kind of rough going lately, and I was so tired, so decided to take a break from things. Though am not in top shape, do feel a bit better, less tired, maybe slightly more able to get the stuff taken care of that needs to be done. We'll see.

Thought I was on the road to recovery back-wise; guess I was wrong. Woke up with much difficulty this morning and limped along as best as I could for a while. Round mid afternoon, a spasm so strong that I nearly lost my lunch completely broadsided me. Lie on the floor for a bit until things calmed down and could see something other than blinky-lights. Got a couple stretches in, then dragged myself to the medicine cabinet.

Since there's a lot of keyboard work to be done, am managing by keeping the back stock straight (Thank heavens for old-fashioned hard-backed chairs! Thank heavens for ground score!) and propping myself up on a number of overstuffed cushions. Will be sleeping on the floor tonight, I think.

***

Though I've been therapized out the wazoo, still am a bit slow when it comes to recognizing the triggers. Two such spasms so close after the gut problems that almost caused me to hit the emergency room can really only mean one thing: my brain's eating me alive. Granted, I have a whole hell of a lot to be stressed out over. Still, I'm more good to me alive than dead or seriously debilitated. Really need to stop this.

In Memoriam.



Here's that shawl that I was talking about earlier. Was so pleased at how it turned out that trudged out in the rain on Saturday morning to photograph it.

The fence was getting to be a bit long in the tooth. Was kind of funny, though, to see a pile of broken wooden slats in its place this morning. Lost most of the fence along the back and the side opposite to this bit of wood as well.

Was mentioning to Pavel that I thought it might be cheaper and prettier to replace the wood with shrubs: lilacs in the space pictured, as there're already two trees there; mountain laurels on the opposite side; across the back, due to drainage issues, pussy willows and/or forsythia. Of course, all's contingent on what we can find at the local Home Depot. (Wish us luck.)

Currently re purposing a beautiful spice-colored striped cowl neck that I found in my
"to do" pile so that it might serve a purpose. Looking at it and working it kind of hurts, but am soldiering on.