B E B E R E

Haven't really felt like talking about this, but what the heck: over the past year, I've dodged the cancer bullet twice. Both areas are pretty trauma-wracked from past abuse, which has made things especially difficult emotionally.

I'm currently taking what I've gathered to be an experimental treatment (testosterone) to curb cell growth in one place; am worried about how this is going to affect the other area (my lump). All I know is that I hate-hate-hate this stuff and what it's doing to my body: I've acne like a 15 year old. My body (especially breasts) bloats up and feels very uncomfortable. At one point I even stopped menstruating. The blood pressure sky rocketed and I started having panic attacks unlike ever before.

The gyno has since halved the hormone cream, and I alternate it with a steroid cream (never thought I'd feel relief to be reduced to steroid use!). I got my period back (never thought I'd be relieved about that, either!) and the blood pressure is down, though the weight's still up and I am still kind of pimply.

Last week, started taking low-doses of an antidepressant to calm the panics and to help me sleep. The psychiatrist wanted to start me on 5 mg of a common SSRI, but I bargained her down to 2.5 (much to the amusement of my primary care and some friends and colleagues who know more about this stuff than I do) for starters. Hey: it's my brain chemistry we're messing with; can't go too small or too slow on that.

Don't know that this's had any effect except to make me sleepy. Starting tonight, I'll be trying 5 mg; hopefully it won't bliss me out, cause me to dissociate or make me even more panicky as these things can sometimes do. Guess we'll just have to be patient, wait and see.