B E B E R E

After I went off the stuff* there was a residual weirdness: shakiness when speaking and a fear in the back of my head that somehow I was behaving inappropriately.

Still, it was such a relief to be free. I could laugh, smile, think clearly and express myself again. The feeling of a too tight bike helmet lifted itself from my brow and whatever was pushing my shoulders forward and hunching me went away. On my walk to work Friday morning, I restarted looking people in the eye, smiling and wishing everyone who looked receptive a good morning. Also noticed quite a few male types giving me the look again from their cars, etc**.

Today, I'm back to the tiny dose, the 2.5 mg. Cutting the pills is a pain in the rear, but I can't handle any more than that. There is benefit to be derived from the medicine. I'm sleeping more and better (insomnia's always been a problem), I can concentrate better at work, and upsetting things that I'd normally ruminate over for hours if not days are being given their proper place in the scheme of my life. I don't want to forever be altering my brain chemistry to get by, but in the short term, it seems to be a good tool to help me complete the tasks I've assigned myself.

Of course, there are still side effects (lack of confidence in speech, a slight dreaminess, perhaps a strange tone to my voice when I talk to strangers, too. I also find that I can't fit enough words on a single breath), but they are much slighter than before, and dealable. I'm smart, so am confident that I'll find workarounds for all these.

***

*Citalopram, aka Celexa.

**Always a surprise, as I don't see myself as being particularly worthy of being looked at in that way. A girlfriend noticed it, and was wondering if I had some sort of pheromone thing going on as well.