B E B E R E

I am a very angry person. I don't like that; it frightens me. I don't want my rage to eat me alive. I'm afraid that it will, though.

I think that part of why I keep myself away from others is because of the fear of hurting them. I hate this aspect of me, and just don't want to inflict it on anyone.

I wish I could be better-balanced. I try, but often I fail. Am not about to give up just yet, but I do get so damned tired sometimes.
***
"And don't look back."

I see the hand writing on the wall. But where to go?

I have some ideas. Part of me, however, the part that likes to stay put, that seeks security in anticipating the moves of Known Devils, doesn't like any of them.

***

Insecurity.

We who are
your closest friends
feel the time
has come to tell you
that every Thursday
we have been meeting
as a group
to devise ways
to keep you
in perpetual uncertainty
frustration
discontent and
torture
by neither loving you
as much as you want
nor cutting you adrift.

Your analyst is
in on it,
plus your boyfriend
and your ex-husband;
and we have pledged
to disappoint you
as long as you need us.
In announcing our
association
we realize we have
placed in your hands
a possible antidote
against uncertainty
indeed against ourselves.
But since our Thursday nights
have brought us
to a community
of purpose
rare in itself
with you as
the natural center,
we feel hopeful you
will continue to make unreasonable
demands for affection
if not as a consequence
of your disastrous personality
then for the good of the collective.

-Philip Loprate, quoted by Anne Lamott in Bird By Bird.

As my friend who passed it along mentioned, what a way to shape one's paranoia into something artistic, funny and true.

I've a long way to go to in that area.

(From Grimpen Mire)